success

Change Your Resolve

Today is January 7th, and we are already one full week into the new year!  Have you made your New Year’s Resolutions yet?  (Come on, I know you have.)  As we say “good-bye” to 2019, we all have different resolutions we set for ourselves. Actually, as we said “good-bye” to 2018, we probably set the same resolutions. And the year before that, and the year before that, and so on and so on. But what if, this year, we did something different?

There are many different things that we resolve to do in the upcoming year, and if you ask around, we all probably share the same plans. Most of us resolve to do things like lose some weight, read our bibles every day, start adding to our savings accounts, etc. Unfortunately, most of us usually aren’t able to follow through with these plans- at least, not as much as we’d like. We start off pretty well; after all, it’s a new year and a clean slate, so we feel motivated and excited to accomplish the goals we have, so far, been unable to accomplish. But what if we look at our goals from a different perspective?

Too many times, we unwittingly set ourselves up for failure. We either set expectations that are too high, or we set too many goals that are unattainable. First of all, we have to set smaller goals. We can’t go into the new year telling ourselves we plan to lose fifty pounds by summer. That may work for a small percentage of us, but I’ll bet that more often than not, summer comes for those people and they are lucky if they were able to lose twenty. They end up feeling disappointed because they haven’t met their goal, and instead of celebrating the twenty pounds they lost, they see themselves as failures.

If this sounds like you, I have good news!  You are NOT a failure!  The truth is, you simply set a goal that was just out of your reach for one reason or another.  Goals, like anything else, should be set in baby steps.  But let’s go one step deeper, shall we? What if, instead of resolving to do something this year, we resolve, instead, to not do something?

Here’s what I mean:  What if, instead of resolving to read our bibles every day, we revolve to not go to bed until we’ve read our bibles?  When we wake up deciding that we have to make sure we read our bible at some point during our day, it leaves too many open windows for us to say, “I need to make sure I do that,” or, “I’ve got plenty of time yet.”  But before we know it, the day has gotten away from us, and by the time we climb into bed, we are too tired to concentrate on what we would be reading anyway.  Another day slips past, and we go to bed thinking, “I’ll start that tomorrow.”  Then, unfortunately, the same pattern just repeats.

But what if we change our resolve?  What if we resolve to not go to bed until we’ve read our Scriptures, and then we actually schedule it in our day?  You all know what time you like to get into bed, and you know how much time it takes you to do that.  So, if you shower in the evenings, shave, moisturize, or what have you, and you know it takes you one hour to do all of that, then start heading there at least half an hour earlier than you normally would.  Just like you know you must make time to moisturize before hitting the hay, you also must read your bible or do your devotions before turning in for the night.

On the flip-side, if mornings are your thing, maybe set your alarm for an earlier time.  This can be different for every individual.  For some, half an hour may be all you need.  For others who like to do a more in-depth study, maybe shoot for waking a full hour earlier.  Either way, make sure you incorporate enough time for prayer, too!

I’m talking to myself, too, by the way!  I’m not saying I have found the perfect answer, and I guarantee that each one of us probably does things differently, and that’s okay.  Find a routine that works for you, but put the resolve behind your plan.  Make the commitment.

Maybe you’ve resolved to lose some weight this year.  (I’m sure most of us are included in this one!)  What if, instead of resolving to lose a certain amount of weight by a certain deadline, we resolve to not eat after seven pm?  Or we resolve to not drink so many sugary beverages or designer coffees and start drinking more water in their place?  Do you see the pattern?

Have you resolved to start saving money this year?  Instead of trying to put money into a savings account each week, reconcile it in your mind that you aren’t going to stop at the coffee shop every day on your way to work.  If you tend to eat out on the weekends, resolve to skip the restaurant scene on the first and third weekends of every month.  At the end of the month, when you add up how much you’ve saved by making those few simple changes, you can then deposit that amount.  Making one large monthly deposit instead of four smaller, weekly deposits might help you put into perspective exactly how much extra you had been spending without even realizing it.

It’s easier to plan on not doing a few small things than it is to plan out this big achievement you hope to accomplish before the next year sneaks up on you again.  The wording somehow makes all the difference and will be what eventually affects your overall outcome.  Making easy, smaller changes is going to be the key to what makes this year different than all the others.  Taking those “baby steps” is ultimately what is going to bring you the success you’re seeking. Are you trying to write a book? Resolve to not let your day come to an end unless you’ve written at least ten paragraphs.

In my own personal experience this year, I’ve resolved to not just go about everyday life always letting my husband be the first one to say, “I love you.”  It had occurred to me out of the blue one day that, although Greg knows I love him by my words and actions, I was very rarely the one to say those three little words first.  He tells me on a daily basis that he loves me, and of course I assure him that I love him, too!  But it randomly occurred to me that he would truly love and appreciate it if I were the one to say it first once in a while!

Have you ever seen the movie Fireproof with Kirk Cameron?  (If not, you definitely should!)  To make a long story short, the protagonist’s daily acts of random kindness toward his wife ultimately made him fall in love with her again. He and his wife had grown apart and were on the verge of divorce. Had he set out to fall in love with her again, that would have been an unattainable goal. However, he vowed to do one nice thing for her each day for forty days, and in the end, his love for her was reborn through his smaller, everyday actions.

Well for me, it hasn’t been very long that I’ve been practicing this new behavior of saying ‘I love you’ first, but I can already see the changes it has brought about.  My husband holds his head a little higher, smiles a little more, and has a spring in his step!  His positive moods have indirectly affected me in a positive way, and now we are both going through our days almost giddy!

For all intents and purposes, I could have easily resolved to try to make my husband feel more special this year, and then racked my brain trying to figure out what to do differently to accomplish that goal.  But by committing to not let Greg always be the first one to say, “I love you,” I’ve accomplished the goal in an easier way with much less pressure.  Being the first one to say it is not only harmless, but it is enjoyable!

What are some other things you can resolve not to do this year?  How about you don’t make a disgusted face when you see your reflection in the mirror?  What if you stop saying things to yourself that you would never even dream of saying to anyone else?  Think about what you could accomplish if you resolved to stop saying, “I can’t!”

What New Year’s Resolutions can you make that will positively affect your family?  What would it look like if you were to stop screen-time by 7:30 pm and play a board game together before bed?  What would conversations sound like if you stopped asking yes or no questions and started asking open-ended questions instead?  Imagine what it would be like in your home if you put your foot down and said, “I resolve to NOT use my cell phone at family meal times anymore!”  (GASP!)

There are so many different directions you can take this new way of thinking when it comes to making strides towards the things you hope to achieve.  The most important thing I can tell you is to not get discouraged and give up too soon.  If you slip-up or miss a day, don’t beat yourself up about it!  Just start fresh the next day with a little more determination and a lot more grace.

Rachel Hollis, among others, is famous for her motivational podcasts, books, and other tools.  If it would help you to keep better track of your progress, definitely invest in a goal-setting journal or planner.  You will be able find the perfect fit for you by checking out thehollisco.com, passionplanner.com, or even Amazon.

If you don’t want to spend the extra money on anything fancy, just get a simple notebook from your local department store or grocery store, and make your own.  Create check lists, a space for gratitude, and even draw several circles or check boxes to keep track of water intake, for example.  Making your own goal-setting journal might be better for you anyway, because you can tailor it to your exact needs and desires.

Maybe you’re having trouble thinking of a New Year’s Resolution this year.  If this is you, check out my Time Management post and/or click on the Freebies tab to print out the Victories Chart.  Pick something off of that list to focus on implementing this year if it’s not something you’re already doing.

As I type this post, it is currently snowing where I live, and I am resolving to no longer be afraid of snowstorms!  Although driving in the snow is one of the things I dislike the most about Winter, I am choosing to not be fearful of it.  I have been driving for over twenty years, and I know I’ll be okay.  Besides that, I am in the palm of God’s hand!

God will get me safely to my next destination just like He gets me through anything else.  And you are in the palm of His hand, as well, which means He will get you through anything, too… even your New Year’s Resolutions!

If you’d like to share, I would love to hear some of your goals for 2020.  What are some ways you can accomplish those goals by resolving to not do something?  Comment below, and Happy New Year!

You Are Enough

In the newest book by Rachel Hollis, Girl, Stop Apologizing, chapter four talks about the fourth excuse women use when they can’t or won’t even try to accomplish their goals. The excuses provided in her book before and after this one are equally important, but this excuse was one that is extremely relative to my story, and therefore, I am sharing it with you here: the excuse that tells you, “I’m not enough to succeed.”

I mentioned in my More About Me page that I had been mentally and verbally abused.  From the age of about eight or ten up until the time I moved out at 18, I was told by my step-father that I was a worthless, lazy glutton that would never amount to anything.  There were many variations of these words, but the message was always the same… and I grew to believe it.  (Before I go any further, I absolutely need to make sure all of my readers know that my dad was a completely different person when I was growing up.  He has since found the Lord, we have repaired our relationship, and we are closer than ever!)

As an adult, I found that I was caught in a never-ending cycle of perfectionism and dissatisfaction.  No matter what I accomplished, it wasn’t enough.  This makes sense because as I was growing up, if I earned a “B” on a test, I was told it should have been an “A” instead.  If I cleaned the bathroom top to bottom, he found the one hair I missed on the sink.  I’m sure I don’t need to give any more details for you to get the idea.

Unfortunately, if that was my dad’s way of “encouraging” me to reach for the stars, it severely backfired.  It turned me into an unfulfilled and unsatisfied perfectionist who couldn’t see the good in anything she did.

I constantly beat myself up for not going to college every time I didn’t get the job I wanted.  When I published my first book, I was convinced it “didn’t count,” because I self-published instead of finding an agent.  And when I did go back to college, I earned my Associate’s Degree with a 3.9 GPA but was devastated that it wasn’t a 4.0. In short, I had let the size of my paycheck (and the size of my body!) determine my value and worth instead of walking in my God-given identity.

Do you see why Excuse #4 in Rachel’s book totally resonated with me? I highly recommend this book, (as well as her first one, Girl, Wash Your Face).  But, until you get your own copy, I want to share with you a life-changing exercise that she encourages us to do when we are in doubt about our ability to achieve our dreams.

She tells us to write a letter to ourselves.  It should be from that part of us that never gave up.  It should be from our “persistence and tenacity,” and we are to focus on all the things we have done instead of all the things we haven’t done.  She even encourages us to update it as often as necessary. In her book, she candidly shares with us the very first letter she wrote to herself when this exercise was suggested to her, and now I am going to candidly share my letter with all of you.

Please know that I am not sharing this to be boastful, but to be transparent.  I want to be relatable to you, and if nothing else, I want to jog your memory about some things you have accomplished that you may not have thought of yourself!  Know that if you choose to do this exercise, your letter will be for your eyes only, unless you want to share it with someone else who needs to be encouraged!

Use your own voice.  This letter is to you, from you.  Be honest.  Tell it like it is, and don’t worry about grammar or spelling.  I intend to make a copy of mine for each of my girls, so I can leave a legacy of confidence, not cowardice. With that, here is my letter:

Dear Alicia,

Hello, woman!  Wake up and pay attention, because this is a very important letter that contains a lot of very important information.  Hi, this is your Persistence & Tenacity, now listen up!

First of all, straighten up that crown of yours and act like the princess you are!  Why?  Because it was no accident that you were adopted into the Royal Family.  Not only did God choose you from the very beginning, but you chose Him, too.  And you did it because you are a good mother!  When you had your first child, you wanted a different life for her than what you had.  You looked at that precious little baby and then made a life-changing decision for both of you.

Not only did you want God to be an important part of your lives, but you did something more… you stopped the cycle!  You stopped the cycle of partying; you stopped the cycle of divorce; and most importantly, you stopped the cycle of abuse.  You have overcome and risen above!  You chose to rise above your circumstances.  You wanted better for your life, so you endured more than ten years of scary and painful therapy.  You learned healthy ways to cope with trauma, stress, and fear.  You made yourself forgive, so you could step forward and step up.  Then….

You spoke to large crowds of people about it!  And here’s a newsflash for you… you are a great public speaker!  You may have been a hot mess on the inside, but you never showed it on the outside.

You pursued further education- twice.  You not only did your two-year Literature Course after graduation, but when you went back to school to get your Psychology degree, you were 38 years old, working part-time, raising three kids, and leading a Girl Scout Troop!  When you got that Associate’s Degree, you got it with a 3.9 GPA.  Let’s not forget… You wrote a novel!  You wrote it, then you learned how to self-publish it, and you were able to self-edit it, too.  Now you have a book on Amazon!  And you think you haven’t accomplished anything yet?  Come on, girl.  Don’t be ridiculous.

Okay, now let’s talk about the elephant in the room… your health and body.  Remember when I reminded you of all the family cycles you stopped?  Well how about the cycle of constant overeating and bad food choices?  When this health & wellness company came into your life, the Holy Spirit gave you the power to overcome, and now you are heading towards Food Freedom!

Last but not least, let’s talk about that dirty little four-letter “F” word…. FEAR!  Listen, girlfriend, if you were to have a check list of all the times you showed Fear who’s boss, it might look something like this…

You hate being the center of attention, but you became a public speaker because you wanted to make a difference in the lives of others.  You were always a shy introvert, but you faked it until you made it, and now you’re a people-person!

When your daughter was going through her medical trauma and had to have two brain surgeries and then a Bilateral Adrenalectomy, they were the scariest times of your entire life.  You not only had to be strong for her, but you learned how to give up control and trust God.

When your other daughter was away at college, which was scary enough by itself, your heart sank every time she called home because you never knew what was waiting for you on the other end of the line.  But, your daughter needed you, so you faced it every single time because you knew that burying your head in the sand would not help her overcome.

Despite being a nervous wreck, you’ve driven in busy cities by yourself, you’ve gracefully made it through over a dozen job interviews in your lifetime, and they don’t even make you nervous anymore, you’ve had three surgeries, you’ve survived losing a parent, you’ve gone through intensive training to do volunteer work at a crisis pregnancy center, you’ve gone through more intensive training to become a certified lay minister, you’ve taken steps to start your own ministry at church, you became an entrepreneur, and you’ve had to kill spiders all by yourself when no one else was around!

The list of ways in which you have conquered fear goes on and on, so why let fear hold you back now?  As your favorite friend, Winnie the Pooh says, “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”  And you…are not…a quitter.

Be proud of all those hats you wear!  Wife, mother, author, online content writer, public speaker, entrepreneur, college graduate, spiritual leader, family secretary, prayer warrior, and one heck of a tenacious, goal digging, go-getter!

Before I go, let me remind you of the lyrics from one of your favorite songs…

“Fear, you don’t own me.  There ain’t no room in this story.  And I ain’t got time for you telling me what I’m not like you know me, well guess what?  I know who I am!  I am strong, brave, and I am free.  I’ve got my own identity!  So, Fear, you will never be welcome here!”

Another hat I wear is Encourager. Now I encourage you to grab a journal & a pen and your favorite feel-good beverage, and get writing. Here, I’ll start it for you: Dear (your-name-here), this is your Persistence & Tenacity, and I want to remind you that YOU ARE AWESOME! And do you know why?

Fill in the blanks.

Don’t be scared; it’s easier than you think once you get on a roll! For a little extra encouragement, maybe you first want to take a listen to the song I referenced in my letter. You can do so here. Download it, install it, save it, or whatever you do to get it on your favorite device, and listen to it every day!

*You don’t have to share your letter with me, but if you want to share any part of it, or if you want to share anything about how it made you feel, I would welcome those comments! Kick Fear to the curb, and happy writing!*