We interrupt this regularly scheduled program for…
Covid-19 is much more than a special news report, and if you’re anything like me, it has interrupted much more than a television program or two. It has interrupted our work schedules, our family gatherings, our shopping trips, our activities, our school system…. it has pretty much interrupted our entire lives.
While these are unprecedented times for all of us, we are all handling the unknown in different ways. During the stay at home mandates, some were staying cooped up in their homes because they were living in fear. Others were staying home and making the most of a bad situation. Still, there are some that continued to go to work every day, my husband and 22-year-old daughter included, but they had to do so following a whole new set of rules and procedures, such as wearing protective masks. As we all proceed with the re-entry process, those of us who are just now starting back to work are following suit.
I admire those who are making the most of a bad situation. I know those who, while spending the last two or three months cooped up at home, were doing their long-avoided spring cleaning, remodeling projects, and even starting new health and wellness routines. Me- not so much. Unfortunately, I was more in the former category. Not that I was living in fear, because we weren’t given a spirit of fear according to 2 Timothy 1:7, however, I will admit that depression had reared its ugly head since all of this began.
Because of my asthma (which, if my Pastor heard me say that, would tell me not to claim it), my husband and children put me under house arrest. Although I am more susceptible to bronchitis and upper respiratory infections, I can’t say for sure that automatically makes me more susceptible to contracting the Coronavirus. However, I do know that if I were to contract the virus, it would be harder for me to fight it off due to my compromised lungs. That being said, I had been holed up for over two months, and it did not serve me well.
Being out of my routine has certainly had its effects on my overall well-being. My sleep schedule had been off, I’d been consistently living off of carbs and sugar for some reason, and regretfully, I wasn’t even writing consistently. (As I’m sure you all have noticed!) I found it impossible to write something positive for my blog, when I was feeling anything but positive. In fact, I was beginning to feel lethargic, unmotivated, and irritable, and because I had bitten all of my fingernails to the quick, I felt ugly and less feminine, too. My clothes were getting tighter, and all my aches and pains were back with a vengeance.
Being away from my family took an even bigger toll on my emotional health, though. We were taking the advice of our Pastoral leadership and obeying the mandate put out by the authorities, so I was unable to go see my parents, and I definitely couldn’t go see my elderly grandparents because of their compromised health. With my grandmother in the early stages of dementia, she was having trouble understanding the severity of the situation. She was agitated and emotional, because her family couldn’t come to see her.
I was also missing my oldest daughter terribly. I had gotten used to seeing Brittany every day when I became a receptionist at the daycare where she works, and now I hadn’t seen her for weeks. Married for going on four years, Brittany now has her own home in which she was cooped up. The constant news coverage had caused her to have three anxiety attacks in just as many weeks, and I was growing increasingly worried about her.
By the time Easter Sunday arrived, it had been almost four weeks since I’d seen her, and the day was a difficult one for all of us. It would be the first year our whole family wouldn’t be able to spend the holiday together, which was a hard pill to swallow for my Italian grandmother who believes her life’s purpose is to cook for and serve her family. As we saw people posting pictures of their holiday festivities on social media, Brittany was at home crying because, in all her 25 years, it was the first Easter she wasn’t able to spend with her parents and siblings.
This new reality was becoming a great source of stress and heartache for me, and I wasn’t handling it well. I have a good friend who is constantly sending me uplifting messages, and she was trying her hardest to not only keep me encouraged and motivated, but to also hold me accountable for taking care of my health. But for all of her efforts, it just wasn’t working. I knew it all came down to my state of mind, and frankly, it was a good thing she knew that, too, or she might’ve thought I was avoiding her.
I also felt very far away from the Lord, because I had even stopped spending time with Him every morning like I had grown so accustomed to when my normal routine was in full swing. Now God? Him I was definitely avoiding! I was headed down a slippery slope. I was already mad at myself for undoing all of the hard work I’d invested in my health, and I was getting worse as time marched on with no end of Covid-19 in sight. I knew if I kept going the way I was going, I would be much worse off than I already was, and that wasn’t a pretty picture. Yet for all my logical reasoning for why I should make a change, I remained unable to do so.
Not seeing Brittany for four weeks had soon turned into five weeks, and then six; it was the most time we’d ever spent apart from each other. We tried to FaceTime regularly, but that was nowhere near the same as seeing her in person. Depression engulfed me in waves, and the more depressed I felt about what was happening and what I had done to myself, the worse it got.
I stopped listening to Christian music, and I withdrew from God instead of running to Him. I began to waste more time than I care to admit on mindless computer games and Netflix binges, because it took me away from my current reality. Because I was feeling so unattractive and so disgusted with myself, I withdrew from my husband, too. When it came to intimacy, I could take it or leave it, so I hadn’t been there for Greg in the way a wife would want to be there for her husband under normal circumstances.
Mondays were coming and going, and with each passing Sunday evening, I would resolve to make the new week better than the last, but to no avail. It seems that the overall theme for 2020 is “Vision,” and most of us started the new year off with hopes, dreams, and aspirations. But in the blink of an eye, all of that changed for me. We were heading into June, and the way I saw it, half of the year was gone already. Although I’m not trying to be the glass-half-empty type, I do bend towards being a realist.
A few days before the next “Fresh Start” Monday began looming over my head for the umpteenth time, the Lord was once again beginning to pierce my thoughts. I had put Him on the back burner long enough, and with God’s gentle prodding, my heart and spirit were beginning to fight back. I tried to avoid the impending battle instead of trying to embrace it.
But when Monday morning came, and I had to try on three different outfits for work before I found something that actually fit comfortably, I found myself at the proverbial rock bottom. I looked at myself in the full-length mirror behind my door, but being all cried out from the years of repetitively being in this same predicament, all I could do was stare.
The usual feelings of regret and disgust ushered in, followed by defeat. After I was finished getting ready for work, I collapsed in my kitchen chair and uttered, “Okay, God, You win.” Instead of turning on my computer, I opened up my Bible app. I would normally turn right to Psalms when I needed to be encouraged, but I couldn’t quite identify which emotion was weighing the most heavily on me. I checked out my saved reading plans and clicked on one about God’s grace. Although I wasn’t necessarily feeling it in my heart, I knew in my head that God’s grace was unconditional and unending.
About halfway through the devotion, a familiar sting in my nose signaled the sudden onslaught of tears. There, right in the middle of my devotion, was the word that identified which emotion I had been feeling… guilt. I realized I had withdrawn from God, not because I was angry with Him or living in fear, but because I felt like I had let Him down by not taking care of myself during this trial. I felt that I had disappointed God yet again, because I allowed my circumstances and emotions to dictate my behaviors. I was depressed, and so I became uncaring.
I didn’t care about what I ate, how I spent my time, or when I slept, and knowing I had “done it again” made me feel as though I had no right talking to God or spending time with Him. I felt like the black sheep of God’s family, and rather than run into God’s arms, I chose to hide from Him instead. I felt, dare I say, unworthy of His unconditional love. The words of Matthew 17:17 must have been distorting what I know as truth. In this verse, Jesus said, “You faithless and corrupt people! How long must I be with you? How long must I put up with you?” (NLT) The silent cries of my own heart were, “Oh, Lord! How long will You put up with me?!”
The answer is, as long as it takes! The answer is, forever and ever, Amen! I understand that Jesus found Himself feeling frustrated sometimes; after all, we were created in His image, so I have no doubt that Jesus, at one time or another, felt every emotion that we humans ever feel. But the good news is that, above all, our Lord is kind, loving, and forgiving! And not just today, but every day, forever and always.
The words in my devotion that struck my heart were this: “Guilt is not part of God’s plan. It drains the life out of us and separates us from reality. Yet, we keep guilt around never looking to see how much it steals or controls. God wants more for us! He wants us to be free.”
The author, Markey Motsinger, goes on to say, “Guilt is a mental and emotional experience that occurs when a person thinks or realizes they have compromised their standards of conduct and accept responsibility. When we don’t give these experiences over to God, they can quickly turn into shame. Shame, in return, attacks our identity, causing us to feel unworthy or not good enough. Guilt and shame take us away from the heart of God.”
Have truer words ever been spoken? For someone who devotes an entire website to our identity in Christ, I sure do forget God’s truths much more often than I should! How easy it is for me to allow self-condemnation to breed guilt, shame, and feelings of unworthiness! Oh, Lord! I am so weary from this ongoing battle! Can any of you relate to this hamster wheel experience? Yet, in those moments when I was reading my devotion, I felt anything but condemnation. I felt warmth, peace, and love.
As I allowed God’s grace and forgiveness to wash over me, I made the conscious decision to lick my self-inflicted wounds and get my act together. I began planning out some healthy lunches for the work week. Greg was stopping at the grocery store after work anyway, so I asked him to pick me up some no-sugar-added strawberry preserves. Apparently, our local grocery store no longer carries the brand I wanted, and Greg arrived home that evening feeling frustrated and disappointed because he was unable to find what I desired. I know his comment wasn’t meant to sound harsh, but I was hurt nonetheless when he said, “You didn’t care about sugar last week when you were eating ice cream!”
In the moment, I wanted to retaliate. But before I spoke, I took time to reflect on the variables. For one thing, I know the underlying issue was really that my dear hubby felt bad for not being able to deliver. For another, I was fresh off the Self-Destruct Express, so I immediately took offense to his words. My first instinct was to take it personally, as if Greg were insulting my inability to stop the vicious cycle. But the Holy Spirit instantly made me realize it was my own frustrations that caused me to feel angry with Greg. I’m the one who felt self-conscious about not being able to stop the cycle.
I calmly told him that if I were going to eat refined sugar, I would choose to have it in my ice cream, not in my fruit preserves! And really, that’s all life really is, after all. A series of daily choices. Instead of choosing to be strong during a difficult time, I chose to succumb to my weaknesses, which started a domino effect of repercussions. Given what’s happened, I have a new choice to make. I can choose to not forgive myself and sink deeper into the pit of despair that I’ve created for myself, or I can choose to accept God’s grace and forgiveness, pull myself up by my bootstraps, and start again.
I talked to Greg later that evening and told him that I can understand why he gets frustrated with me sometimes. I admitted that I have times of weakness, and people that don’t struggle with food addiction will probably never understand how difficult it is to not give into certain impulses. Enjoying chips and soda while watching a favorite television program is something about which Greg will never have to give a second thought. I explained that that’s not the case for me, and I tend to slip up now and again- especially on the weekends when things are much more relaxed at home. But I also told him that one thing I know for sure is that I never give up!
Hebrews 12:1b-2a states, “And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith….” (NIV) This is the race that is marked out for me. This is my cross to bear. Although I get frustrated more times than I can count, I am grateful, too, because it could always be worse. I have a great job, a great purpose in life, and a great family who faithfully gives me their unconditional love and support. Although this race makes me weary, God gives me the strength and endurance I need to keep going.
What is the race marked out for you? What choices will you make when the going gets tough? Will you give into guilt and shame the next time you take two steps back instead of one step forward? Or will you pull yourself and remember God’s promises? I know I’ve shared this verse in other posts, but it is one of my favorite promises, and it is worth repeating: “Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 1:6 (NIV) Don’t throw in the towel, my friend. 2020 still has a long way to go, so bring that vision into focus and carry on, because God is not done with you yet!